Cluck Cluck, Nevermore!

The following is a story from the pages of the Midtown Observer newspaper from September 23, 2004:

Woman Takes Own Life in Crowded Fast Food Establishment. Authorities Baffled.

A twenty-something year old woman killed herself yesterday while standing in line at a bustling McDonald’s restaurant. Rashida McGee, 23, was the employee who attempted to take the woman’s order.“It all happened so fast!” said McGee. “She came in and asked for chicken. ‘Any kind of chicken,’ she said. When I informed her that we had just run out of chicken, she simply pulled a big a-- gun out of her purse, put it to her head and yelled ‘F--k a duck, cluck, cluck! I just want chicken!!!’ then pulled the trigger!”

The city of Midtown has offered free therapy for all McDonald’s employees as well as patrons present during the incident if deemed necessary.

Midtown Observer 9/24/04: McDonald’s Was Not the Only Stop for Fast Food Suicide Victim

Eyewitness reports confirm that the Midtown woman who shot herself to death two days ago in a McDonald’s restaurant after not being able to purchase chicken had visited at least one other fast food restaurant beforehand that day.

The twenty-something year old woman, whose name has not yet to be released, had visited a Popeye’s Fried Chicken restaurant twenty minutes earlier.Allison Green, 19, a Popeye’s employee was present when the “wild-eyed” woman came in and tried to order a fried chicken meal.

“She asked for a four piece meal. I told her, unfortunately, our fryers were down and we were out of chicken. The woman looked like she was going to burst into tears.

She started begging. ‘A two-piece? Some leftover batter crumbs? Anything?’

I had to repeat that there was no chicken ready and wouldn’t be for at least an hour.

I then tried to tell her about our many non-chicken menu items, but she just ran out mumbling about this city and the lack of chicken. She almost knocked down an old woman in the doorway and stepped on her dog’s foot on the way out!”

Don’t fear, good citizens. The fryers are up again at Popeye’s as of yesterday morning.

Midtown Observer 09/25/04: Chicken Shortage Causes Suicide

Due to a series of coincidental occurrences earlier this week involving various fast food restaurants, there was a short-lived, freak chicken shortage in the city of Midtown.

Fried, broiled, grilled, fingered…there was no chicken to be had.

Inconvenient? Definitely. Nerve-wracking? Probably. Grounds for suicide?

Yes, according to one woman. A young woman, recently identified as Kirell Saunders, 27, spent her last day on earth on a fruitless search for a decent fast food chicken meal. This search took her across the greater Midtown area to several major fast food establishments.

When she was unable to acquire said chicken, Saunders pulled out a gun from her purse and shot herself in the head.

Reports conclude that her search began at approximately 12:45 p.m. on the 24th at a Boston Market where she tried to obtain a roasted chicken meal.

Unfortunately, the kitchen had flooded and the entire day’s supply was ruined.Alex Green, 22, an employee of Boston Market and eyewitness stated that Saunders left the restaurant “with no problem. She seemed slightly annoyed, but understandably so. She said she really wanted chicken and nothing else would do.”

“The search continues,” Saunders joked as she went on her way.Fifteen minutes later, Saunders was seen in a Kentucky Fried Chicken. Unfortunately, just as she was approaching the counter a kitchen fire blazed up causing an evacuation.

Not to be daunted, Saunders stomped into a Burger King, where she was informed that the day’s shipment of chicken had not yet arrived.

Store manager Larry King (no relation to the talk show celebrity or the restaurant’s mascot for that matter) stated: “We were very apologetic. We offered her a free Whopper, but she said all [she] wanted was chicken, dammit!” as she stomped off, noticeably twitching.

“I asked if she was okay,” said King, “she said ‘If I don’t get some chicken I swear I’m gonna kill myself today!”Saunders, apparently a woman of her word, then made her way to Popeye’s, which was already dealing with all of their fryers having been disabled that morning.

Obviously this did not sit well with Saunders.Not to be outdone, she finally wandered into a McDonald’s. As luck would (or wouldn’t) have it, the restaurant had a large influx of customers and had just sold the last piece of chicken...just moments before she walked in.

According to Rashida McGee, 23, Saunders screamed unintelligibly and pulled out a “big a-- gun” from her purse and shot herself in the head.Funeral services will be held on Friday. The lesson in this? Maybe there is something to vegetarianism after all!